she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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