apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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