look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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