I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
