I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
