Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
