i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
