My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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