I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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