Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
handjob tips. give me some.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
