puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Maybe he injected his testicle?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
