Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
then he tried to convert me to islam
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
