I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
