So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
