saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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