Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
