Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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