new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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