Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
