i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
