Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
