OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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