Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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