Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
