so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
