Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
