I smell stomach acid.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
