closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
