Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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