I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
