So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
