I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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