atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
