I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
