Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
