Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
