i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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