the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
