nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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