i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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