He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
