Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
