What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Farmville is her only friend.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
