You work out of a Hotel?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
