I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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