Apparently you make a good broom.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
