True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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