Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
