the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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