you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My bed smells like the plague
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
