i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
