he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
