Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My vagina just clenched in fear
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
